The Big News Report

The Senate approved a bill last week that designated English as America’s “national language.” The White House has agreed to support the bill only if an exception is added for the President.
A new audio message believed to be from Osama bin Laden states that Zacarias Moussaoui had “no connection at all with September 11.” As a result, the Pentagon now plans to invade Zacarias Moussaoui.
Actress Michele Rodriguez from “Lost” has been sentenced to 60 days in jail for violating her probation after she was arrested in Hawaii for drunk driving. The judge offered to reduce her sentence, however, if she would explain what the hell is happening on “Lost.”

• Alligator attacks that have killed three women in the past week have Floridians on edge. After trapping and killing one gator, hunters found in its stomach two human arms and 10,000 ballots for Al Gore.

• A robotic NASA spacecraft designed to rendezvous with an orbiting satellite instead crashed into its target. A spokesman for the space agency apologized for the accident, saying, “In retrospect, maybe hiring Halle Berry wasn’t such a good idea.”

• Lew Anderson, who played Clarabell the Clown on the Howdy Doody Show in the 50’s, has died at the age of 84. The funeral was attended by over five hundred mourners, all of whom arrived in the same car.