The Big News Report

This is what I saw when I stepped outside to go jogging today. So not only did I burn some calories, I also injested the burning fumes of Tinseltown. Apparently, The Day of the Locust is upon us. Nat West, Chuck D, Eric Idle and the ghost of Joe Eszterhaus rejoice.

I was reading the news the other day, like I have been known to do occasionally, when I came across an interesting tale of woe.

15 British Marines and Navy folk,

Hold on a sec. What do you call people in the Navy anyways? I know if you are a Marine, then you are known as a whole as ‘Marines’. What do you call a group of Navy personnel? Navals? Boaties? Water Soldiers? Navy Officers? Well, they can’t all be officers, I mean, who swabs the decks? Hmm, I guess I’ll have to settle with Navy Folk until I come up with something better.
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What does it mean to be a British seaman? British seamen are loyal. Determined. Hard working. A British seaman never tires and always gets his mark.When a fleet of British seamen is headed toward you, you know their purpose is steadfast and noble. Last week, some of Britain’s finest seamen were taken hostage, accused of illegally penetrating Iranian waters. As commander in chief of Britain’s naval forces, I can assure you: a British seaman never penetrates anything that wasn’t asking for it.
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Anna Nichole Smith’s official autopsy revealed the presence of 9 different prescription drugs in her system which contributed to her cause of death. 9 is a lot. But it’s not 12. Elvis Presely had 12 scripts running through his vains and so he is still officially The King. San Francisco is talking about banning plastic bags city wide. No word on whether local weed dealers will adhere to regulations. Australian Muslim held at Gitmo and former kangaroo skinner David Hicks, pleads guilty to supporting terrorists, although he claims he just gave them some advice when they were feeling down. Sen. Jim Webb calls gun incident inadvertant. Adds, “no faces were shot at.” Alberto Gonzalez, caught in lies as to his involvement in the U.S. attorney firing scandal, runs out of news conference. Monica Gooding, aide to Gonzalez, takes the Fifth because Congressional committee might be mean to her

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6eWkoKgJMI]

• President Bush dismissed an Iraq war spending bill passed by the House as, quote, “political theater.” He added that he hates political theater, except for the time he and Laura saw Tony Danza in “The Producers.”
• An off-duty Chicago police officer was caught by a bar surveillance camera beating up a female bartender half his size. The officer claims he was just making an audition tape for the LAPD.
• Supermodel Naomi Campbell began fulfilling her community service obligation on Monday by mopping floors at a sanitation garage in Manhattan. Campbell became confused by her new role as a cleaning lady and threw her cell phone at herself.
• Hilary Duff has admitted that after reading negative press reports about her appearance, she felt pressure to lose weight. Unfortunately for moviegoers, after reading other negative press reports, Duff did not feel pressure to take acting classes.

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