The Big News Report

If you are like me and I know you wish you were, you’re currently scrounging to come up with a last minute costume idea for that special party you are planning on attending tonight. And by party I mean sitting on your friend’s front porch with a can of PBR passing out candy to the kids while your friends all sit back and eat the pizza…bastards.

But anyways i figure you’re lazy and have not come up with even a remotely thoughtful costume for the event. I’m here to help. Here are 5 ideas.

5) Kobe Bryant
All you have to do is wear the jersey of a team not called the Lakers and put duct tape over the name on the back. He’ll probably be playing on that team soon anyways. Just make sure everyone boos you when you walk in the door to get the maximum effect!

4) John McCain
This costume is easy, just don’t show up to the party and tell everyone afterwards that you were ‘campaigning’.

3) Modern Day Pirate
Pirates still exist my friend, and back in the day pirates used to wear whatever clothes they could find/steal. So just go deep into your closet and pull out that old REO Speedwagon concert shirt and a pair of boot cut jeans. Add in a fireplace poker or wine key for a weapon and you are ready to attack ships off the cost of Africa!

2) Chinese Toy Maker
Easy enough. Paint a shoebox metallic and write the word ‘Lead’ on the side. Bring any toy made by Mattel to complete the picture. Hey this might even be the perfect chance to show off that lame kanji tattoo you got in ‘97 that supposedly says ‘Friendship’, but probably says ‘This gaijin licks unicorn butt’.

1) A Straight Family Values Republican
I mean hey, it’s only slightly less believable than a vampire right?

Alright, hope this list helps. Happy haunting all!

-Ray

Deer Courts and Guys in Robes and…oh, those people who sit in that box,

It has come to my retention that y’all think my husband, Chris Crocker- wait, he’s just a fan… my husband K-Fed would make a good Daddy and that I, Britney Spears, suck as a Mom. Well, do allow me to sit this record straight. I have been methunderstood, y’all! And, speakin of records, I am comin’ out with a new one that will TOTALLY blow yer minds. I mean, in a huge way.

There have been some complaints ‘bout my behavior of late, and I am fixin to redress those ishues in this here letter. You know, forth with and such. First, my baldness. Plenty of bald people are good parents! Look at Bruce Willis. Look at Michael Douglas. Sure, he ain’t bald yet, but you know somewhere ‘neath that hair is some baldness just waitin’ to happen! And, ok, they’re both Dads. But look at Natlie Portman! She’s bald. Or was. And I guess she’s not a Mom yet, but I bet, thanks to her not having hair that one time, she’ll be a great parent.

Next, my MTVMVA show. Do y’all know how hard it is to stand up after 8 vicodens and five shots of Southern Comfort?? Not only was I standin’, but I walked up three stairs AND back down. To music, y’all! I hope one day my babies have haff the stage presents I got.

And three, I didn’t even want kids! But I had ‘em, and part of bein’ a Dult is dealin with shit you never asked for. I hope when my three boys…I mean, my little girl…you know who I mean, I hope they make mistakes, too, ‘cause that’s life. And I will be there for them always, because as long as they’re around, I get write offs. Whatever that means. Money, I think.

So, in seclusion, vote Britney! She’s so proud of her kids, she shows the world where they came from. I mean, she’s me. I do that.

Love and God,
Supermom!! (That’s me again. Britney Spears)

Answer: California, Diddy’s ears, and Bill’s “gift” to Hillary!
Question: What are three things that are burning?
Check out this week’s Big News Report, Blue Collar edition:

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 102807

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In the wake of recent scandals, House Democrats have passed a bill that would make private U.S. contractors working in Iraq subject to prosecution in U.S. courts. In response, Blackwater murdered all House Democrats.  

A cargo plane crashed in a residential neighborhood in the Congo on Thursday, killing 25 people. This was the first tragic event to happen in Africa since 12 seconds earlier.  

Long Island authorities are looking for the individual who has been sending Jewish families letters containing pink swastikas. Police are urging residents to be on the lookout for a white supremacist with breast cancer.  

A court has ordered O.J. Simpson to hand over his Rolex watch to the Goldman family. Simpson swore to devote the rest of his life searching for the real time.

(more…)

Gore rocks, Sputnik rolls, OJ’s search remembered! I’m-o head to Ohia fer about two weeks, but ’til then, check out this week’s Big News Report, Blue Collar edition:

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 100707

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