The Big News Report

I’ve been hearing a lot over the past few days about this Miley Cyrus photo shoot for Vanity Fair so I finally decided to check the photos out for myself and was seriously under whelmed by what I saw - Oooh, it’s a bare back, quick hide the kiddies before they start flagrantly humping each other!!! Lame. The one thing that did catch my eye though, was the photo of Miley strewn across the lap of her father, former country star Billy Ray Cyrus. Uh, WTF??? I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your father but I have never, EVER laid across his lap like that. It’s just gross, especially in this case. The mullet may have been traded in for a mullite but you don’t fool me, you’ll always be the singer of “Achy Breaky,” the song I had to square dance to in P.E. with Chad “sweaty palms” Ferlong. I’m still wiping his hand grease off to this day. This got me thinking about other inappropriate father/daughter relationships in the media so here now is the first of my ongoing WTF series. I’ll update it as I see things that make me say WTF - Or maybe I won’t - Stop pressuring me, I get enough of that from my mom! No, I haven’t met anyone. So what if I still live by my self with only 2 cats for company? I like it that way! No, I can’t leave, Squeakers would get lonely!!! (Weeps softly while listening to “Alone” by Heart).

Hulk and Brooke Hogan

I don’t care how concerned you are with skin cancer, no father should EVER apply sunscreen to his daughter’s ass. The only excuse for this sort of familial hand to ass contact would be if Brooke had a pack of wild, tusked pigs stuck to her ass and the Hulkster was trying to swat them off to save her life. But even then he should just let the bush pigs maul her to death. It’s just more appropriate.

Ick Factor: 7

Papa Joe and Ashley Simpson

This man is truly creepy. From calling his other daughter Jessica’s boobs a gift from God to leering at Ashley’s here, this man takes inappropriate fatherhood to a whole other level. Fathers should never look at or touch their daughters’ boobs. I don’t care if they’re covered in flashing lights – Keep those eyes up, perv-o.

Ick Factor: 9

Josef and Elizabeth Fritzl

This man imprisoned his daughter for 24 years forcing her to live as his sex slave. They bore 7 children together, 3 of whom never saw the light of day until their discovery earlier this week. Uh, what???? This is why I’ll never date a European man. They’re too sexually liberated. I’m sure things would start our innocently enough. First he encourages you to stop shaving your armpits, next it’s off to the topless beach because you have a beeeautiful body, and before you know it he’s lured you into a sex dungeon full of nude midgets smoking cigarettes and playing sad, accordion music…Wait a second…That doesn’t sound so bad…

Ick Factor: 10,235,907,823,553,259,709,327,509,823,508 x Infinity

Big News’ very own Rachael Drummond was featured on Fox News this morning, with her awesome Hillary Clinton rap video, “Taking Back the White House,” also featuring Big News’ Phillip Wilburn! Check out Rachael’s dope rhymes and smooth flow - you won’t be able to get this fresh, fly song out of your head!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDU9xKNo-zo]

Can you figure out these titles to popular Beatles songs, as re-interpreted by Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke to reflect a prudent assessment of these uncertain economic times?

1. “Current Post-Daylight Trends Could Support the Possibility of Increased Economic Difficulty”
2. “Several Days Which When Averaged Over the Current Fiscal Quarter May Constitute More Than a Standard Measurement of Time.”
3. “Assistance! (if Any is Required, Should be Provided by the Private Sector)”
4. “Anecdotal Evidence May Lend Credence to the Possibility of a Decrease in the Romantic Purchasing Power”
5. “A Tool in the Possession of Maxwell Which Anecdotal Evidence Has Said Contains Some Apportionment of Precious Metals”
6. “Personal Contact May Be Favorable Under Current Economic Conditions”
7. “Increased Attention Should Be Observed by Particular Canine Breeds”
8. “Pending Further Economic Data Which Will Not Be Available Until the Next Fiscal Year, Existence Should Be Continued”
9. “The Amount of Early Morning Daylight Seems to Be on the Increase”
10. “The Existence of Mutually Beneficial Solutions, Even When the Rate of Economic Growth is Contracting, Should Not Be Discounted”
11.  “Her Desirability is Constant (Despite Some Indicators of an Increase in Mass)”
12.  “For the Love of Sweet God in Heaven, Don’t Call it a Recession!”

Answers:
1. “A Hard Day’s Night.”
2. “Eight Days a Week”
3. “Help! (I Need Somebody)”
4. “Can’t Buy Me Love”
5. “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”
6. “I Want to Hold Your Hand”
7. “Hey, Bulldog!”
8. “Let It Be”
9. “Here Comes the Sun”
10. “We Can Work It Out”
11. “I Want You. (She’s So Heavy)”
11. “Please Please Me!”

On Tuesday Hillary Clinton was the winner of Pennsylvania’s Democratic primary. Clinton claims her win was particularly impressive as she was under constant sniper fire.

In San Diego on Friday, a 66-year-old man was killed during a shark attack while training for a triathlon. Shockingly, at the time the man was training for the cycling portion.

Due to recent supply and demand trends, Sam’s Club has announced it is limiting sales of rice to four bags per customer per visit. Luckily for the customer, each bag weighs 600 pounds. (more…)

We all crumble. Sometimes it’s crackers to go into soup to make it a meal. Sometimes it’s a fence that crumbles as we tear down the false borders that we create as society. Sometimes it’s peanut butter cookies that crumble and happen to land in another kid’s lunch box. No matter what, we as a nation love our crumbs. We here at Big News want to cater to your love of crumbs with the beautiful little joke pieces left over from all of our submissions for the week, in a little segment we call BONUS JOKES!!! To see the rest of the delicious cookie, stop by iO West Sunday night at 10.
(more…)

This past week 45 year old actor Wesley Snipes was convicted to spend 36 months in prison for federal tax evasion.

Since 1999, Snipes has earned a staggering 38 million dollars and has paid somewhere between zero to no dollars in taxes. Tonight the Associated Press has learned of a shocking twist–that just 12 hours after hearing his fate in the courtroom, Snipes’ legal team announced that the actor will be filing for a one year prison sentence extension.
(more…)

Automatic weapons now legal in Kansas

Randy Alfrey likes guns.
I try to defend the Midwest from claims of “those scary middle states” and then this gem pops up from the great state of Kansas. Personally, I enjoy sunsets, walks on the beach, wine tasting, candlelight dinners and rescuing dogs and cats from animal shelters. Guns are good though Randy. Guns are good. Go with what you know.
(more…)

Automatic weapons now legal in Kansas

Randy Alfrey likes guns.
I try to defend the Midwest from claims of “those scary middle states” and then this gem pops up from the great state of Kansas. Personally, I enjoy sunsets, walks on the beach, wine tasting, candlelight dinners and rescuing dogs and cats from animal shelters. Guns are good though Randy. Guns are good. Go with what you know.
(more…)

What an amazing night for politics!!!

On Monday, John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton all appeared on the popular professional wrestling program; WWE RAW. They were all asked to use wrestling metaphors to help sway younger voters to their side of the campaign. Here were the results;

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHJhVBemBmA] (more…)

I’m not sure if the above visual mash-up should elevate the likelihood* of seeing “Made of Honor” in the theater, or if expectations should be lowered for “Baby Mama”.

* from 98% to 99%!