The Big News Report

Last Friday, Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama for the first time in the symbolically chosen city of Unity, New Hampshire.  It wasn’t just that they split the vote down the middle there during the primary season, but the name suggested that they were now unified in the Democratic Party’s pursuit of the White House.  Well, on Monday, it was appropriate that Barack was in Independence, Missouri, symbolically saying that he’s independent from that crazy self-serving woman that sought to destroy his campaign for the past several months.  What wasn’t publicized were the other symbolic stops on the tour that were proposed in between the stops in Unity and Independence:

Barack and Hillary would campaign together in Unity, New Hampshire, showing their unified front.  Bill Clinton could even help out, showing his support.

Bill said they should go to Hope, Arkansas, a place he still believes in.  This sounds great since Bill’s 1992 campaign and Barack’s current campaign are both based on hope.

But then Hillary suggested they go down to Looneyville, Texas where it sounds like Barack got a lot of support

Barack was thrown by this.  He thought they were going to Friendship, Texas.

Hillary thought if they don’t go to Looneyville with all the Barack supporters, maybe they could go to Novelty, Missouri where the town really captured the essence of his campaign.

Michelle Obama chipped in and suggested either Slaughter, Louisiana or Disappointment, Kentucky, towns that Hillary Clinton knows well.

In response, Hillary suggested going to Needmore, Texas since Barack needs more experience.

Bill chimed in and said that he helped alleviate concerns he had about inexperience in 1992 by going to Horneytown, North Carolina and then making his way to Hookersville, West Virginia.  After going to Hookersville they could visit Spread Eagle, Wisconsin or possibly French Lick, Indiana and even though it’s a little pricier, Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Michelle reminded everyone that Frommer’s suggests you should go to Protection, Kansas before visiting Intercourse.  Everyone was on board. . .

Except Hillary.  She was not amused.  Maybe it’s because she spent so much time in Gayville, South Dakota.

Hillary told Michelle, Barack, and Bill that they can go to Hell – Hell, Michigan, in what could be a battleground state.

Barack said they’ll go there right after Hillary goes to Quitman, Georgia.  Hillary claimed she was never going to Quitman.

So, finally, they decided that Barack should go to Independence, Missouri.  Hillary would go her separate way. .

But Bill Clinton was still going to Hookersville.

– TR

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Take a look inside the iO West bar following the June 26 car crash with this exclusive video!

Also check out some new photos of iO West post-crash that have been posted by Opus Moreschi of Trophy Wife.

And speaking of Trophy Wife…they’re soliciting the best “iO West versus SUV” jokes on their blog. Head over there and add a few of your own!

About 4:00 this afternoon, an out-of-control SUV crashed through the front of iO West. Thankfully, no one was injured. Damage to the building was considerable, and the theater is closed tonight (Thursday June 26). You can read more about the accident at this link, and for updates check out the iO West website as well as this website!
Here is video from CBS2 at 6.

UPDATE: iO West will be closed through July 6 - so make sure you come by the theater for the next all-new Big News show on Sunday, July 13 at 9pm!!!

Here’s another view of the accident:

And if you miss your Big News fix this week, why not catch some of our previous episodes available here on our website?

UPDATE #2: iO West student Ashley Nugent of Latchkey Kids was in the theater at the time of the accident and has an account posted on her blog. And Back Stage has a story as well.

About 4:00 this afternoon, an out-of-control SUV crashed through the front of iO West. Thankfully, no one was injured. Damage to the building was considerable, and the theater is closed tonight (Thursday June 26). You can read more about the accident at this link, and for updates check out the iO West website as well as this website!
Here is video from CBS2 at 6.

UPDATE: iO West will be closed through July 6 - so make sure you come by the theater for the next all-new Big News show on Sunday, July 13 at 9pm!!!

Here’s another view of the accident:

And if you miss your Big News fix this week, why not catch some of our previous episodes available here on our website?

UPDATE #2: iO West student Ashley Nugent of Latchkey Kids was in the theater at the time of the accident and has an account posted on her blog. And Back Stage has a story as well.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRSxiX_4Z-Q]

As Big News’ Brian Vestal tours Europe, he reports on the impact that higher gas prices are having overseas!

Everything seemingly is spinning out of control

WASHINGTON - Is everything spinning out of control?

From the headline of the article, I would say yes, yes it is. Seemingly.

Midwestern levees are bursting. Polar bears are adrift. Gas prices are skyrocketing. Home values are abysmal. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on unaffordable. Wars without end rage in Iraq, Afghanistan and against terrorism.

Wow, all of these things are happening and happening right now. In fact the polar bears are adrift on the levees that burst in the Midwest and cannot afford to fly back to the Arctic because of high gas and are instead signing up for positions in the Air Force (it’s the easiest armed forces branch in which to serve if you don’t have opposable thumbs) to serve extended tours of duty in Iraq. Won’t someone think of the polar bears?

You know what else has happened? The ivory-billed woodpecker has returned from extinction. Birders thought it was a good thing, but maybe it was a harbinger, a harbinger of DOOM.
(more…)

Everything seemingly is spinning out of control

WASHINGTON - Is everything spinning out of control?

From the headline of the article, I would say yes, yes it is. Seemingly.

Midwestern levees are bursting. Polar bears are adrift. Gas prices are skyrocketing. Home values are abysmal. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on unaffordable. Wars without end rage in Iraq, Afghanistan and against terrorism.

Wow, all of these things are happening and happening right now. In fact the polar bears are adrift on the levees that burst in the Midwest and cannot afford to fly back to the Arctic because of high gas and are instead signing up for positions in the Air Force (it’s the easiest armed forces branch in which to serve if you don’t have opposable thumbs) to serve extended tours of duty in Iraq. Won’t someone think of the polar bears?

You know what else has happened? The ivory-billed woodpecker has returned from extinction. Birders thought it was a good thing, but maybe it was a harbinger, a harbinger of DOOM.
(more…)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o]

R.I.P. You will be missed!

The Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers on Tuesday night to win the NBA championship. Kobe Bryant apologized for the loss by buying each of his teammates a four million dollar ring.

During his testimony in front of the House Judiciary Committee on Thursday, former White House spokesman Scott McClellan suggested that Dick Cheney testify about his role in the Valerie Plame leak. Cheney responded by inviting McClellan to go hunting.

In Nigeria, Shell has shut down production of an offshore oil field after it was attacked by a Nigerian militant group. The group is run by a Nigerian prince, who’s upset that nobody ever takes his emails seriously.

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So, coffee can be added to the list of things that aren’t bad for you. Apparently though, as a culture, we need to be warned that it isn’t a magic elixir.

“It’s one more study to add to the puzzle, but the message remains: Coffee in a healthful eating plan is OK, but it’s not a magic food,” said Connie Diekman, former president of the American Dietetic Association.

It makes me wonder, are there people out there drinking red wine as every meal? Breakfast, lunch and dinner are big heaping piles of string beans? Pork smoothies all day with chasers of sausage?

I’m a little curious of what life would be on the all-coffee diet. Sure, sleep may be limited to 4 am to 4:15 am, but boy, all day jitters sound like a hoot. I bet I could recoup the money I spend on coffee by distilling my sweat into an energy drink. I don’t have to wonder about an all-Big News diet because it has already taken years off of my life and transformed me from a 98-pound weakling to a 300-pound lineman for the Oakland Raiders. With its new starting time at 9 pm on Sundays at the IOWest, it also gives me enough time to get to Starbucks after the show so I can keep my shakes through the night as I enjoy these bonus jokes!

A new study shows that drinking 6 cups of coffee a day for over 20 years may help you live longer. The study also shows that if you drink 6 cups of Starbucks coffee a day, you make more money than Bill Gates.
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