Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 4, 2009

Chip Saltsman, a candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee, continues to face criticism for distributing a CD that contained the song parody “Barack the Magic Negro.” Some Democrats have defended Saltsman by noting that on January 20th Obama will in fact make a giant asshole disappear.

Chrysler has received a four billion dollar loan from the U.S Treasury. The money will be used to create a time machine so they can go back and un-invent the PT Cruiser.

Air Tran Airways apologized on Monday to nine Muslims who were removed from a flight to Florida after being wrongly accused of making suspicious remarks. The airline also apologized to Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists and Scientologists, just for being such a shitty airline. (more…)

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON: ECONOMIC CRISIS EDITION!

It was bad enough that Bernie Madoff put together the largest Ponzi scheme in history to steal $50 billion from charities, financial institutions and retirees. But this week, we got news of victims even more tragic: Madoff lost the $50 million life savings of beloved Hollywood supercouple Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.

This news raises a lot of questions. Like, “How do you earn $50 million from starring in ‘Flatliners’ and ‘Something to Talk About’?” But in every crisis is an opportunity – and in this crisis is an opportunity to play a new version of the game that made Kevin Bacon a household name. No, not bringing dancing to a repressed small town – linking every major figure of the economic crisis to Kevin Bacon in six degrees or less! Let’s try a few: (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 28, 2008


Caroline Kennedy said Friday that she would have to work twice as hard as others if she is selected to be a U.S. Senator. The extra work will go towards not being murdered.

Nuclear powers India and Pakistan moved closer to war, as tensions rose in the region. The situation began to worsen the more Pakistan got dropped from tech support.

On Tuesday, a massive water main break in Bethesda, Maryland flooded the streets and stranded several motorists. In response, President Bush said FEMA would look into the problem on the 20th of January. (more…)

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2008 - BONUS JOKES!

On the twelfth day after Boxing Day, my true love gave to me…

Twelve hours of uninterrupted online porn viewing,

Eleven self-help books to combat porn addiction,

Ten top ten lists of 2008,

Nine bottles of rum for frozen daiquiris since we both like girly drinks,

Eight days of hangovers, 

A pass to see “Seven Pounds”  (since I have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Six hours wasted after seeing “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” twice (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Five soft tacos,

A pass to see “Four Christmases” (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”, please, please, forgive me for that one),

Three weeks of bonus jokes,

Two billion in bailout funds,

and one pass to see a great Big News show, 9pm Sunday night at the IOwest.

International Orgasm Day, a mega-orgy sex-fest in Tel Aviv, Israel was cancelled this week after the owner of the venue hosting the event caved in to threats and public pressure. Flyers and text messages had to be sent out to thousands of registered participants telling them not to come. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 21, 2008


The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush began his trial Wednesday on charges of attacking a head of state. When asked to predict the outcome, the judge in the case said a guilty verdict is a virtual shoo-in.

Time magazine has named Barack Obama its “Person of the Year.” Hillary Clinton responded that the year is not yet over so she still has a chance.


Las Vegas was hit by a winter storm this week that broke a thirty-year record for snowfall. As a result, the city will change its slogan to “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas Because All the Roads and Airports are Closed and You’re Stuck Here.” (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 14, 2008

The proposed bailout of the American auto industry broke down Thursday night after Senate Republicans blocked its passage. Making matters worse, the bailout broke down right after its warranty had expired.

The bailout plan rejected by the Senate would have had the car industry overseen by a government appointed “car czar.” The position would have been more appealing than the comparable job for the bailout of the financial industry: the bank skank.

In a lunch with GOP Senators on Wednesday, Dick Cheney proclaimed that if aid to the auto industry was rejected it would be Herbert Hoover time. At that same lunch, President Bush proclaimed that it was Peanut Butter Jelly time.

(more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 7, 2008

Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, who resigned earlier in the year for soliciting a prostitute, will write a column for Slate.com about how to stimulate the economy. Spitzer says the economy can be stimulated by placing it inside a hooker’s mouth.

President and First Lady Bush have purchased a new home in Dallas. This marks the first time in 2008 that someone has actually bought a house.

Elected officials in the U.S. scored only 44% on a test measuring their knowledge of American history, civics, and economics. However, the score rises to 85% once you factor out the answers given by Sarah Palin.

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2008 - BONUS JOKES!

The confirmation came this week that everyone was expecting. The United States is in a recession. Finally, there is a way to explain job losses, bankruptcies, problems paying mortgages and a general lack of personal yachts.

However, a recession means that there are some very nice bargains to be had in the stock market. Here are some tips for you, the individual investor, so that you can find the stock bargains and make some money in these turbulent times.

Look for the sales of velcro coin pouches to go through the roof. These are a great way to carry walking around money and a perfect way for strippers to gather their smaller tips.

After the government cutbacks that are sure to come after the many bailouts, I have three words for you: free-market cheese.

Recession may even hit the entertainment industry, so look to invest in cheap entertainment alternatives. If you can find a group of people who have not had any interaction with celebrities, had their jobs profiled or jumped/danced/juggled/sang/ate in front of a panel of judges, buy futures of their earnings immediately. Think Mennonite accountants, professional Parcheesi players, a flock of super intelligent sparrows or Bradley VonHorcken of Paducah, Kentucky.

But, the best way to invest your time and money is to go to Big News every Sunday night at 9 pm at the IO West. How many other entertainment entities give you an entire show and then throw in these bonus jokes? That’s what I thought. 

AT&T announced this week they are cutting 12,000 jobs over the next year. The cuts are not expected to affect American workers because all of AT&T’s employees live in India. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, November 23, 2008

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday that Congress will not bail out Detroit automakers until the companies reveal what they will do with the money.   The companies then explained that they would use the bailout money to buy cars made in Japan.

President-elect Obama will appoint Timothy Geithner, the head of the New York Federal Reserve, as Secretary of the Treasury, with responsibility for overseeing the current economic crisis.  Obama appointed Geithner because he hates him.

To clear Hillary Clinton’s path to nomination as Secretary of State, Bill Clinton has provided a list of more than 200,000 people who’ve donated to his foundation. Clinton then explained that “donating to his foundation” is his new euphemism for a blow job. (more…)

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2008 - BONUS JOKES!

Animal fighting is wrong. (Wait for it….)

BUT, if you were to fight animals, here are the Top Five Match-ups that I would love to see.

5. A pegacorn fighting a pegasus and a unicorn. All with laser eyes.

4. A sabertooth tiger fighting a sabertooth buffalo. Both with laser eyes.

3. A redneck fighting a hipster. Both with laser eyes.

2. A vegan fighting a zombie cheesesteak sandwich with laser eyes.

1. A laser eye fighting a laser eye. Both with extra laser eyes.

For a guarantee of something that doesn’t involve laser eyes but is equally entertaining, check out Big News, 9 pm on Sundays at the IO West. (Guarantee of not involving laser eyes does not include audience members, people on Hollywood Boulevard or the Magical Laser Eye installed in the IO West bar last Tuesday.)

The Humane Society announced on Monday that they are offering a $5,000 dollar reward for information leading to the conviction of any person involved in illegal animal fighting. The group also announced they will no longer be investigating anonymous tips regarding the “spanking of monkeys,” the “choking of chickens” or the “beating of a dead horse.” (more…)