The Big News Report

Chip Saltsman, a candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee, continues to face criticism for distributing a CD that contained the song parody “Barack the Magic Negro.” Some Democrats have defended Saltsman by noting that on January 20th Obama will in fact make a giant asshole disappear.

Chrysler has received a four billion dollar loan from the U.S Treasury. The money will be used to create a time machine so they can go back and un-invent the PT Cruiser.

Air Tran Airways apologized on Monday to nine Muslims who were removed from a flight to Florida after being wrongly accused of making suspicious remarks. The airline also apologized to Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists and Scientologists, just for being such a shitty airline. (more…)

It was bad enough that Bernie Madoff put together the largest Ponzi scheme in history to steal $50 billion from charities, financial institutions and retirees. But this week, we got news of victims even more tragic: Madoff lost the $50 million life savings of beloved Hollywood supercouple Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.

This news raises a lot of questions. Like, “How do you earn $50 million from starring in ‘Flatliners’ and ‘Something to Talk About’?” But in every crisis is an opportunity – and in this crisis is an opportunity to play a new version of the game that made Kevin Bacon a household name. No, not bringing dancing to a repressed small town – linking every major figure of the economic crisis to Kevin Bacon in six degrees or less! Let’s try a few: (more…)

Caroline Kennedy said Friday that she would have to work twice as hard as others if she is selected to be a U.S. Senator. The extra work will go towards not being murdered.

Nuclear powers India and Pakistan moved closer to war, as tensions rose in the region. The situation began to worsen the more Pakistan got dropped from tech support.

On Tuesday, a massive water main break in Bethesda, Maryland flooded the streets and stranded several motorists. In response, President Bush said FEMA would look into the problem on the 20th of January. (more…)

On the twelfth day after Boxing Day, my true love gave to me…

Twelve hours of uninterrupted online porn viewing,

Eleven self-help books to combat porn addiction,

Ten top ten lists of 2008,

Nine bottles of rum for frozen daiquiris since we both like girly drinks,

Eight days of hangovers, 

A pass to see “Seven Pounds”  (since I have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Six hours wasted after seeing “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” twice (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Five soft tacos,

A pass to see “Four Christmases” (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”, please, please, forgive me for that one),

Three weeks of bonus jokes,

Two billion in bailout funds,

and one pass to see a great Big News show, 9pm Sunday night at the IOwest.

International Orgasm Day, a mega-orgy sex-fest in Tel Aviv, Israel was cancelled this week after the owner of the venue hosting the event caved in to threats and public pressure. Flyers and text messages had to be sent out to thousands of registered participants telling them not to come. (more…)

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush began his trial Wednesday on charges of attacking a head of state. When asked to predict the outcome, the judge in the case said a guilty verdict is a virtual shoo-in.

Time magazine has named Barack Obama its “Person of the Year.” Hillary Clinton responded that the year is not yet over so she still has a chance.

Las Vegas was hit by a winter storm this week that broke a thirty-year record for snowfall. As a result, the city will change its slogan to “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas Because All the Roads and Airports are Closed and You’re Stuck Here.” (more…)

The proposed bailout of the American auto industry broke down Thursday night after Senate Republicans blocked its passage. Making matters worse, the bailout broke down right after its warranty had expired.

The bailout plan rejected by the Senate would have had the car industry overseen by a government appointed “car czar.” The position would have been more appealing than the comparable job for the bailout of the financial industry: the bank skank.

In a lunch with GOP Senators on Wednesday, Dick Cheney proclaimed that if aid to the auto industry was rejected it would be Herbert Hoover time. At that same lunch, President Bush proclaimed that it was Peanut Butter Jelly time.

(more…)