His birthday is August 4.

Even if Barack Obama did very little as president, the fact that he is the first African-American president is important and his birthday would definitely warrant a day off of school.  However, for the vast majority of the country, August 4 would not fit into the normal school year.  It’s even after most Summer School sessions.  Not to get all philosophical on you, but you can’t have a day off of school if there is not a day off to be had.

If I were in school right now, I’d be pissed.  There are so few days off as it is, and we had a golden opportunity here.  And how are we supposed to truly recognize this historic achievement unless kids can stay home from school?  That’s how we recognize the accomplishments of Martin Luther King, the Presidents, and Labor.  We can’t honor Obama unless kids can watch cartoons, catch up on homework, and sneak into R-rated matinees.

The easiest solution would be to use Obama’s half-birthday, which would be February 4.  But this is fraught with problems.  First, half-birthdays are stupid.  Any kid who had a half-birthday in school was a total joke.  What, are we trying to upstage the kids who have real birthdays in December, January, and February?  It dilutes the sanctity of birthdays.  Pretty soon, we’re celebrating every three months and every kid in the 3rd grade is fat on cake.  Thanks half-birthdays!

The other issue with the half-birthday is we already have a glut of holidays around that time.  MLK day, Washington’s Birthday, Lincoln’s Birthday, President’s Day, not to mention Valentine’s Day which isn’t a day off but it probably should be because you’re just passing valentines around and wondering who sent you the candy hearts that say “Wanna Bone?”  It would get lost in the mix.  And it’s an opportunity for the crotchety superintendant to deny the holiday not because of his overt racism but because of the abundance of days off (but really because of his overt racism).

So, the most logical solution would be for Obama to travel back in time and change his birthday to maybe early October or maybe late April.  Or we could just celebrate it on Valentine’s Day because he is pretty dreamy.  But I think it’s easier for Obama to just travel through time and space.

After all, with Obama anything is possible.

-TR

Chip Saltsman, a candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee, continues to face criticism for distributing a CD that contained the song parody “Barack the Magic Negro.” Some Democrats have defended Saltsman by noting that on January 20th Obama will in fact make a giant asshole disappear.

Chrysler has received a four billion dollar loan from the U.S Treasury. The money will be used to create a time machine so they can go back and un-invent the PT Cruiser.

Air Tran Airways apologized on Monday to nine Muslims who were removed from a flight to Florida after being wrongly accused of making suspicious remarks. The airline also apologized to Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists and Scientologists, just for being such a shitty airline.

On Wednesday, Microsoft announced that a leap year programming bug in their Zune music players was responsible for the devices freezing up. The glitch came as a major disappointment to the three people who actually own a Zune.

To raise more money for road repairs and construction, Congress is considering increasing the gas tax. The tax would force consumers to pay an extra eight percent on all meals purchased at Taco Bell.

A Washington lobbyist sued The New York Times Tuesday, charging that the newspaper falsely created an impression that she had engaged in an improper romantic relationship with John McCain. The woman’s lawyers plan to prevail by calling to the stand a witness who will prove that no affair could have occurred: John McCain’s limp, shriveled and useless penis.

A Greek oil tanker crew used firehoses to fight off heavily armed Somali pirates trying to board their ship. The Greeks considered themselves lucky to have been attacked by pirates that are afraid of water.

Cuba celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the country’s communist revolution on Thursday. Although the festivities were held in Cuba, they soon washed up on a raft on Miami Beach.

Oprah Winfrey has donated three hundred sixty-five thousand dollars to an Atlanta school. Oprah next plans to donate to a British school, because she wants to get rid of a couple thousand pounds.

Dane Cook’s business manager and half-brother Darryl McCauley was charged this week with embezzling ten million dollars from the comedian. Cook will retaliate by deleting McCauley from his top eight on MySpace.

Former Eurythmics star Dave Stewart has partnered with a sex toy company to create a designer vibrator that will sell for nearly fifteen hundred dollars. Said Stewart: “We’re going to use all the old Eurythmics hits to promote these fifteen hundred dollar vibrators. You know, ”Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves…with Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…“Sweet Dreams Are Made of These…Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…”Here Comes the Rain Again…and By ‘Rain’ I Mean ‘Vaginal Secretions’ Which Are Caused by Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…I could go on all night – just like you could, with our fifteen hundred dollar vibrators!”

On New Year’s Day, the Orange Bowl featured a performance by classic rockers the Doobie Brothers. The performance was going well until Rerun from “What’s Happening” showed up and a bootleg recording device fell out of his trench coat.

A website has announced that “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” had more bloopers than any other film made in 2008. The biggest blooper: That it was made.

Latin album sales in the United States have slid for the second year in a row. Experts attribute the decline to the fact that no one speaks Latin anymore.

Traffic in Miami was tied up on Friday when thousands of shoes were dumped onto a freeway. Miami police attributed the congestion not to the shoes themselves, but by the hundreds of screaming women who stopped their cars and jumped out to grab them.

An environmental group has distributed over 200,000 ring tones of endangered species in order to raise awareness of the animals’ plights. The animals became endangered after people killed them due to their annoying ringtones.

Doctors have found that weight loss surgery tends to increase a man’s sex drive. Especially when the surgery is done on his wife.

A Texas jail has been closed and its inmates transferred after recliners were found inside the cells. The inmates claimed they needed the recliners to help them relax after a long day of getting raped.

A Long Island teenager has earned all one hundred twenty one merit badges offered by the Boy Scouts of America. He celebrated by eating a dozen Brownies.

As a way to boost its public image, Ford plans to offer two Lincoln models next year that can park themselves. The cars do this by breaking down and never running again.

And finally, Maria de Jesus, who was the world’s oldest person, died Friday at age 115. De Jesus passed away after somebody told her to act her age.

This news raises a lot of questions. Like, “How do you earn $50 million from starring in ‘Flatliners’ and ‘Something to Talk About’?” But in every crisis is an opportunity – and in this crisis is an opportunity to play a new version of the game that made Kevin Bacon a household name. No, not bringing dancing to a repressed small town – linking every major figure of the economic crisis to Kevin Bacon in six degrees or less! Let’s try a few:

1. DEFUNCT INVESTMENT BANK LEHMAN BROTHERS: Was located on Wall Street, which was a movie directed by Oliver Stone, who also directed “JFK,” with…Kevin Bacon. DEGREES: 4

2. THE NEW YORK METS (whose owner invested with Madoff, and whose new stadium is to be named after tottering financial giant Citigroup): Had on their team Keith Hernandez, who was on an episode of “Seinfeld” with Wayne Knight, who was on “3rd Rock from the Sun” with John Lithgow, who was in “Footloose” with…Kevin Bacon. DEGREES: 4 (Bonus link: That “Seinfeld” episode famously parodied “JFK,” with…Kevin Bacon.)

3. BANKRUPT YUPPIE GADGET EMPORIUM THE SHARPER IMAGE: Sold steaks by Donald Trump, who was on “Celebrity Apprentice” with Marilu Henner, who was in a 1984 TV version of “Mister Roberts” with… Kevin Bacon. DEGREES: 3

See? Fun and informational! So whether you’ve had thirty years of income from your film career wiped out, or you’re just an underemployed schmoe not sure if you can make next month’s rent, “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon: Economic Crisis Edition” is a great way to keep track of who’s who in the Great Depression II!

On the twelfth day after Boxing Day, my true love gave to me…

Twelve hours of uninterrupted online porn viewing,

Eleven self-help books to combat porn addiction,

Ten top ten lists of 2008,

Nine bottles of rum for frozen daiquiris since we both like girly drinks,

Eight days of hangovers, 

A pass to see “Seven Pounds”  (since I have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Six hours wasted after seeing “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” twice (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Five soft tacos,

A pass to see “Four Christmases” (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”, please, please, forgive me for that one),

Three weeks of bonus jokes,

Two billion in bailout funds,

and one pass to see a great Big News show, 9pm Sunday night at the IOwest.

International Orgasm Day, a mega-orgy sex-fest in Tel Aviv, Israel was cancelled this week after the owner of the venue hosting the event caved in to threats and public pressure. Flyers and text messages had to be sent out to thousands of registered participants telling them not to come.

In Egypt, a mathematics teacher has been given a six year prison sentence for beating an 11-year-old student to death because he did not do his homework. On the good side in Egypt, if your math teacher beats someone to death for not doing his homework your entire class automatically gets an “A” for the semester.

On Monday, a Federal Jury convicted five men of conspiring to kill American soldiers at Fort Dix. As a result, Fort Dix will now seek additional protection measures in a joint effort with Fort Condoms.

On Wednesday, a woman in Canada was found alive after being buried in snow for 3 days. She’s the first woman since Amy Winehouse to survive three days of being buried in snow.

On Tuesday, hundreds of Amtrak passengers had their travel plans delayed due to massive snowstorms in the North. The passengers also had their travel plans delayed when they decided to take a train.

The economic downturn has caused many pet owners to give up their animals rather than spend money on food and medical services for them. On the bright side, food critics have noticed a sudden upturn in the diversity of offerings on the menus of Chinese restaurants.

After hearing that police in Phoenix were being forced to buy their own guns, David Spade donated $100,000 to the department so they could purchase rifles. Spade made the donation on the condition that the cops only shoot people sarcastically.

New research states that people under the age of 65 with frontotemporal dementia can’t detect when someone is being sarcastic. This explains why Janeane Garofalo’s career has dwindled as her fan base has aged.

The Food and Drug administration announced that a new drug used to control epileptic seizures must carry warnings about increased suicide risks. Because epilepsy sufferers can finally hold the gun still.

All-star Mark Teixeira has signed an eight-year, $180 million contract to play first base for the New York Yankees. In addition, Teixeira also signed a two-year, $50 million contract to start fucking Madonna.

The Associated Press named Michael Phelps as the top sports story of the year. That is, until O.J. Simpson broke into his hotel room and stole the story.

Fallout of the global economic crisis spread further this week, causing the collapse of the Belgium’s government. President Bush took immediate and decisive action, urging Americans to stock up on emergency supplies of waffles.

The Labor Department reported Thursday that the number of jobless claims last week declined by a larger number than they had expected. The lack of new claims is mainly due to everybody already being out of work.

Hillary Clinton supporters Robert Zimmerman, Stu Applebaum, and Congressman Anthony Weiner commented this week that they do not support Caroline Kennedy to replace Clinton in the United States Senate. Added Weiner: ”Just because she was related to people in the Senate doesn’t make her qualified to be a Senator. Now if she were married to someone in the Senate, then of course she’d be qualified.”

On Saturday, President-elect Barack Obama nominated experts on climate change and genome research to head his cabinet science posts. This team will replace President Bush’s top three science advisors: Billy Graham, Ben Stein and the Holy Bible.

This past week the Cleveland Clinic performed the nation’s first ever face transplant. The procedure is the latest in the Cleveland Clinic’s ongoing mission to cure Butterface.

An FDA advisory panel has authorized the sale of a new, cheaper version of the female condom to help women control their pregnancies. It’s basically a sign with an arrow pointing to the woman’s belly that says “Unloading Zone.”

New research by Harvard Medical School shows that there is no evidence to the old belief that Coca-Cola works as an after-sex spermicide. Because ”Coke Adds Life.”

On Monday, a heart was found on the floor of a car wash in Michigan. After trying to determine if the organ is a human heart, scientists finally concluded that it was actually the heart of the dying auto industry.

In Japan, a 60-year-old man who was thrown into the air in celebration at his retirement party has died after his colleagues failed to catch him. Obviously, they failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.

Archaeologists have discovered what they say is the oldest surviving human brain in Britain, dating back at least 2,000 years to the Iron Age. The brain was found in the head of Peter O’Toole.

A Britsh passenger plane was forced to turn back minutes before landing in Paris because the pilot was not qualified to land in fog. Passengers admit it’s the last time they ever fly Sarah Palin Airlines.

One person has died and another was trapped in a pair of avalanches in the Utah mountains Sunday afternoon, authorities said. While the second man’s chance of survival is grim authorities are holding out hope that he may have been saved by the Abominable Mormon. 

One person has died and another was trapped in a pair of avalanches in the Utah mountains Sunday afternoon, authorities said. In Utah, it is legal to be trapped in multiple avalanches.

A Texas man has been arrested after a 9-year-old girl wrote to Santa Claus asking that a relative stop touching her and her sister. Unfortunately for the girl, Santa Claus does not exist.

A New Jersey couple is upset after a supermarket refused to write the name of their 3-year-old son, Adolf Hitler Campbell, on his birthday cake. The couple was even more upset when Tom Cruise tried to kill their son.

Last week, Tom Cruise told People magazine that his daughter, Suri Cruise, has an incredible vocabulary. Her two favorite words: “Mama” and “Dianetics”.

A man who was allegedly stalking Tom Cruise has been placed in a psychiatric ward for treatment. The judge said this was part of their new program to make decisions ironic.

“American Idol” announced that the next season they will devote less airtime to auditioners who can’t sing. This will allow more airtime to show finalists who can’t sing.

“American Idol” announced that the next season they will devote less airtime to auditioners who can’t sing. The season will now consist of only one episode.

Last week, an estimated $2 million worth of jewelry and other belongings was stolen from the home of Paris Hilton. Sadly, Hilton was away at the time of the robbery and continues to live.

And finally… one of the signature faces and voices of Star Trek, Majel Barrett Roddenberry, died on Thursday from leukemia at age 76. In a solemn display of respect for the sci-fi icon, Star Trek fans around the world observed a moment of silence in their parents’ house.

Actress Fran Drescher said through her publicist this week that she hopes Governor David Paterson will appoint her to Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat once Clinton takes over as Secretary of State. Paterson has said that to this date, he has not seen a better candidate.

Sara Lee has announced they are cutting 700 jobs. Which means there are now at least 700 people who don’t like Sara Lee.

The use of capital punishment in the United States waned this year, as state and federal courts executed 37 inmates, a 14-year low. Experts attribute the low numbers to an increase in funding for rehabilitative programs, a shift in cultural mores, and higher electric bills.

Health Experts believe cancer will be the world’s number one killer by the year 2010. Coming in second will be people who shop at Wal-Mart.

According to a new study, men who overspend do so in order to better attract women. Especially prostitutes.

According to a new study, men who overspend do so because they want to attract more women.  Or because they want to become the next Senator from Illinois.

According to a new study, men who overspend do so in order to better attract women. Women seeking to attract simply need vaginas.

A new study shows that dogs have a sense of fairness.  For example, your dog thinks it’s totally unfair that you won’t share that piece of sausage with him.

Congress has drafted an auto bailout plan that would have the car industry overseen by a government appointed “car czar.” The position of Car Czar was created by the Secretary of Rhymes.

Italian state television has come under attack from gay rights activists for cutting scenes of gay sex and kissing from a recent airing of “Brokeback Mountain”. The airing of the film lasted five minutes and 37 seconds. 

Clint Eastwood, who received two Golden Globe nominations for writing music, was not nominated in any acting categories. But only because they don’t have a category for “Most Squinty”.

The Writers Guild of America announced the nominees for its yearly broadcasting awards Monday, with the most nominations going to “The Simpsons.” The WGA also announced that the year it was awarding was 1992.

*Not really but I bet they wish they could

**Just take anything with an asterisk next to it as a complete lie